All that Bush bashing can be tough on the funny bone so we thought we would lighten things up a little with some anti-Bush jokes. If you know any funny ones feel free to send them in.
Thanks to Scott for this one:
George W.,George H.W.,and Jeb Bush were all flying in a plane.George H.W. says,"I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make somebody really happy." W replies,"I could throw five twenties out the window and make five people really happy." Jeb,not to be out done,says," I could throw ten ten dollar bills out the window and make ten people really happy. To which,the pilot says,"Icould throw all three of you out the window and make the whole world happy."
Einstein, Picasso, and Bush At The Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo
Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial
time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly
Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their
deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein,
but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will
go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can
you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could
I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies
with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with
arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of
relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You
really *are* Einstein! welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter
asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate.
"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's
scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning
mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their
essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint
Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim
to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches
his head. Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove
their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
So Bush and Cheney are sitting in the oval
office. A military person walks in and sits in front
of the desk with a folder, looking over it before giving
the daily report from Iraq.
He says to Bush: "Three brazillion (the nationality)
men died today".
Cheney looks up, and Bush with his hed in his hand goes,
"Oh mah god, how many is a brazillion?"
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes
to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't
know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my
list but I have no room for you, but you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was
former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air,
then immediately diving back into the water again over
and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was British
Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No way! I've got this problem
with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all
I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw former
President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with
his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief
for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free
to go..."
This George Bush joke is from Joelle:
The First Lady, Cheney and Bush are in a plane. All of
the sudden Bush's wife says: "If I were to throw out a
$100 bill, I would make one person very happy."
Cheney asnwers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window,
I would make ten whole people happy."
Bush feels the need to say something as well: "If I threw
a hundred $1 bills out of the window, I would make a hundred
people happy."
The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation,
mutters to the co-pilot: "If I were to throw these three
out of the window, I'd make millions happy!"
A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks. The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks". St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies". The man asks about George Washington. St Peter says."The hands have never moved". The man: What about Abe Lincoln? St Peter: Only moved twice. The man: Where is George W.Bush's clock? St. Peter: It's in Jesus' office. He's using it for a fan!
So President Bush is visiting Tony Blair in England.
They're in a meeting, and suddenly an advisor runs in
and says, "Tony! Your parents had a child. It wasn't
your brother and it wasn't your sister, so who was it?"
Tony quickly answers, "Why, it's me."
Bush is rather stunned at this, and asks Tony why his
advisor asked him that.
Tony said, "Well, I always like for my advisors to keep
me on my toes, make sure that I'm functioning in the
brain department."
Bush decides that this is a good idea and goes home
to America to test it out. But before he can do that,
he decides to call up his buddies and test it out. So
he calles Dick Cheney. "Dick Cheney, your parents had
a child and it wasn't your brother and it wasn't your
sister. Who was it?"
Dick has to think about this for a minute, then he says,
"I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to call Rush Limbaugh."
So he calls Rush Limbaugh and asks Rush the same question.
"Well, if my parents had a child and it wasn't my brother
and wasn't my sister... I guess it'd have to be me,"
says Rush.
Dick Cheney quickly calls Bush back. "I've got your
answer!" says Dick. "My parents had a child and it wasn't
my brother and it wasn't my sister-- it was Rush Limbaugh!"
"No, you idiot!" says Bush. "It was Tony Blair!"
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. Not other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a "friendly fire" missle and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, it has to be a tragedy,
because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either."
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A few from Jay Leno...
"According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno
"Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard." -Jay Leno
"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading." --Jay Leno
"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people are now blaming President Bush for not evacuating New Orleans sooner. Hey, we're still trying to get him to evacuate Crawford, Texas. Took him five weeks to get out of there." -Jay Leno
And a few from David Letterman...
"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking, when does he wind?" --David Letterman
"Bush's inauguration address was interrupted 27 times for applause and three times for vacation." --David Letterman
"Bush says the idea that the U.S. is going to be attacking Iran is ridiculous and you know what that means? We will be attacking Iran." --David Letterman
Various others...
Bush and Powell Plan World War III. Bush
and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and
asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you
guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis
and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one
would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
Bush's Propaganda Tour During a propaganda tour, President
Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids.
He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands
up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not
in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent
reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the
biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings,
and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush
invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and
tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not
in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent
reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the
biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
